Day 9 Steam of consciousness, because that's the best I can do tonight.
Matt text me that he's boarding his plane, and fifteen minutes later he text again saying they are heading back to the gate because the plane has mechanical issues. I remember when my friend, Sara, flew to Orlando, and the same thing happened with her plane but they sent them back up in it anyway and the plane almost made an emergency landing because the what-they-thought-was-fixed-mechanical issue caused all this commotion during her flight, and the gas masks released and there was drama and tears, and so I text Matt and said I'm praying that they switch planes. Jesus, all I want is my husband home with us.
It's sobering when you desire to have your husband home because you really truly can't survive with these kids another day without him and that desire turns to just wanting your husband home alive because these planes, is it just me or have there been a lot of emergency landings lately? And so I don't care how long it's just me and the kids, all I want is my husband home safe.
And then I feel bad for what I said to him earlier today, when he asked how it's going, and I told him that if there was such thing as a drive-thru tubal ligation clinic, I'd probably stop by there after grabbing the kids dinner. He laughed, because he knows I've hit my limit, but now I feel bad because I should have said, "Oh, you know, we're doing fine, just missing you." I shouldn't say things that make him feel bad for being gone. I should feel badly for what I said anyway because what some women wouldn't give to have a baby and here I am joking about getting my tubes tied because I have enough kids.
And just as quickly as I feel bad for being an ungrateful smartass, I peek in to say goodnight to the kids, and Harper is in bed wearing my wedding veil. I had put the veil in her room for decoration, and every now and then she takes it off the shelf and plays with it, and there she was tonight, going to sleep with the thing on her head.
My heart.
And this is probably why there are not drive-thru tubal ligation clinics because surely then there would also have to be drive-thru tubal ligation reversal clinics. Because just as soon as you decide, "That's it. I'm done. No more," one of your kids melts your heart and makes you wish for more.